As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper andcomplain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.  But not nearly as gratifying.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.  Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems?  Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
You've reached the tag thief hotline. To steal, press T.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never know what you know!
You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.
You may soon receive an important message.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
You can't teach an old dog new math.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
You can't be overbooked, only under-read
You can't act like a skunk without someone getting wind of it.
You can run, but you can't hide..
You can only drive as fast as the car ahead of you.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
You can lead a person to cottage cheese, but you can't make him shrink.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
You *can* go home again. Just type "cd ~".
yip yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* --- NO TERRIER
Yes, that's right! "I hear you can tell the future?"
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Work is for people who don't know how to surf the net
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
Windows Error #01E: Timing error. Please wait. And wait. And wait.
Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Why, how kind of you to come rub elbows briefly with the peons ...
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why settle for Windows when you can get the whole house with OS/2?
Why put off 'til tomorrow what you'll never do anyway?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why doesn't DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename!
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do they put locks on the doors at 7-11 if it's open 24 hours?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.?
Why do they call it a building? When it's done shouldn't they call it a built?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why do noses run and feet smell?
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
Why are they called apartments when they're stuck together?
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies.
Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A through G???
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Whether he's real or not, you should believe in the tooth fairy if you like money.
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let Mom brush your hair.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
When you flee temptations don't leave a forwarding address.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When you are mathematically wrong, try multiplying by the page number.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses.
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have In-laws.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When it comes to home improvements I'm an inferior decorator.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.
When I die, I want it to be from some illness.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When cows laugh, does milk come out of THEIR noses?
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When all else fails, panic.
When a smurf chokes, what color does it turn???
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
What's that beep noise & where's the smoke coming from?
Whats GNU with you ?
What's another word for thesaurus? - S.W.
Whatever it is,... I'm against it.
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
What makes Teflon stick to the pan?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal
What goes around often gets dizzy and falls right over.
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What boots up must come down.
We're alone in the universe or we're not; either idea is mind-boggling.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
Well the scenery is colourful, but the paint is damn thin.
Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
Wedding Ring: The smallest handcuff in the world
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
We have no "rights" here; only privileges.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We all admire the wisdom of people who come to us for advice.
Water definitely attracts electricity. Otherwise, why does the phone ring when you step into the shower?
Walking will never kill you.... unless you get hit by a car.
Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)
User Error: Replace user.
User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient Replace user
Unzip, expand, explode - What pervert came up with this?
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
Two's company, three's... the muskateers.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Twisted mind? No, just bent in several strategic places.
TV Truth: You can build a new house yourself.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Tranquillity is like quicksilver. The harder you grab for it, the less likely you will grasp it.
TPTB - The sound the roadrunner makes with his tongue
Total stangers need love too, and I'm stranger than most.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
Today's subliminal thought is:
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer!
To err is human, to moo bovine.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
To err is human, but to completely screw things up beyond repair requires a computer.
To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have.
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
Time's fun when you're having flies. -- Kermit the Frog
Time wounds all heels.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.
Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Three out of five people aren't the other two.
Three children plus two cookies equals a fight
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
This time it will surely run.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
This message smiley captioned for the humor impaired.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
This is probably as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Think you're confused? Wait until I explain it.
Things could be worse. You could live in DC.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
They say that money talks. Mine always says "Good bye!"
They said protect and you'll survive..
They pretend to tell us the truth, and we pretend to believe them.
They are always biting the hand that lays the golden eggs.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.... Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
There's no place like http://www.home.com
There will always be someone in front of you driving slower than you.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
There is no such thing as child proofing your house.
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. 2.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
The unexpected IS our normal routine.
The U.F.O. hotline limits rednecks to one call per day.
The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat
The Three Food Groups: Frozen, Instant, and Take Out.
The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
The telephone always rings just when you step into the shower.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The show-off is always shown-up in a show-down.
The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.
The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage
THE ROAD TO SUCCESS IS ALWAYS UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!
The reason we can't take it with us is because it goes before we do!
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only place where success comes before work is a dictionary. - Vidal Sassoon
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms!
The name is Baud..., James Baud
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The more you know, the more you know you ought to know
The modem is the message
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. - Chinese Proverb
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
The journey of a thousand miles must begin with wondering if you turned of the iron.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The grass may be greener on the other side on the fence but someone still has to cut it.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
The first to see the traffic light turn green is always the second car back.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
The faster the car......... the sooner his exit.
The facts, although they may be interesting, are irrelevant.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half sibling showers
The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed
The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
The "c" in "rap" is silent.
Terminal glare: A look that kills...
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Television has raised the art of writing to a new low.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Telemarketers DO IT over, and over, and over
Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't have to experience it.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Taglined to death... what a tombstone header...
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
SYNTAX? Why not - They tax everything else!
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Synonym: A word you can use when you can't spell the other one.
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Stupidity isn't a sin, the victim can't help being stupid.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Studies show taglinetheftitis is highly contagious.
Strike while the...bug is close.
State-of-the-practice: What we can do with the money you have.
State-of-the-art: What we could do with enough money.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Star Trek X: The Search for Shatner's Teeth.
Star Trek VII - The Search for Shatner's Beer Gut.
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Square meals often make round people. - E. Joseph Cossman
Spit wads are not free speech. - Bart Simpson.
Spend each day if it were your last ..... and you'll be broke by sunset.
Speed thrills.
Speak softly and carry a two-handed sword.
Speak softly and carry a cell phone.
Space-age cybernomad.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon (Yep/Nope)
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune.)
Somewhere, over the rainbow...that's where the airline will find my luggage.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Something that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Someday there will be a cure for Star Trek.
Some people handle the truth carelessly. Others never touch it at all.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Some folks pay a compliment like they went down in their pocket for it.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
Sic transit gloria mundi (Gloria got sick on the bus Monday.)
Sic semper tyrannus. (Your dinosaur is ill.)
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
Shell to DOS Shell to DOS, come in, DOS Over.
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex (n.): Bags used for the storage of potatoes.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme, but not this.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
ROM - Where the pope lives
Robotisticus Governantimus Inevitabilitus. (Al Gore is GOING to Be President.)
Revelare Pecunia! (Show Me The Money!)
Remember. The mightiest oak was once a little nut that held its ground.
Remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROES!
Regrets are illuminations come too late.
Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
RECYCLERS use it again.
recurse: (v) to swear again. i.e. "Damn that dog! Damn him!"
Rebooting the world. Please log off.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Real mathies are a subset of complex mathies.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quality assurance: A way to ensure you never receive shoddy goods accidentally.
Q-Tip: When a really powerful alien gives you advice.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Psuedonym --- a nym that is not your real nym!
Proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Procrastinators do it later.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press ANY key to continue or ANY OTHER key to quit.
Press <CTRL< ALT> <DEL> to continue..
Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
Praise: Letting off esteem
Power corrupts; absolute power is kind of neat.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Plumbers: The shit happens, then it overflows...
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Pipecleaner - A toothpick with long underwear.
Pieces of Nine! Pieces of Nine! Another parroty error
Pepsi Crystal and Michael Jackson...Marketing genius!
Peppier - The waiter at fancy restaurant who only grinds pepper.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
PATIENCE (pa*shens) n.The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
Paranoid: someone who just figured out what's going on.
Paralyze: Two untruths
Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish
Paradox: Two physicians
Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon
Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas
Pain is a part of all life. Misery is at your option.
Oxymoron: Humane Society
Oxymoron: Definitely Probably.
Oxymoron: Coed sorority.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On a clear disk you can seek forever
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Ohgreat,nowthedamspacebardoesn'twork....
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice.
Often the best thing about not saying anything is that it can't be repeated.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do
Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus. (It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)
Now, now, we're not schizophrenic, am I?
Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette.
Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up.
Nothing is intuitive, in its fullest form.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Nothing depreciates a car faster than having a neighbor buy a new one.
Not one shred of evidence supports the idea that life is serious.
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
None of you exist! My SYSOP types all this in!
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
No, why? Have *you* ever snorted laser toner?
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
No Quid Pro Quo. (I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never under estimate the power of...termites.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying)
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never mind the damn whales. Save the people!
Never let your willpower get the best of you.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never ask what you are eating as long as it tastes good
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line
Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)
Natural laws have no pity - RAH
My wife has come up with a brand new exercise -- she shops faster.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
My reality check just bounced.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
My kid beat up your honors student
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.......
My future isn't what it used to be.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
My cardiologist says I have the body of a 35 year old. He even told me where the guy was buried.
Murphy's rule of combat: Incoming fire has right of way.
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Motorolus interruptus. (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
More hay, Trigger? "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
Money: The stuff you use when all your credit cards are maxed-out.
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Money was invented so we could know exactly how much we owe.
Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Money isn't everything. ...but look how many things it IS!
Money is round, it rolls away
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with..
Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
MOM'S HINT #064: With luck, they'll pay for their own therapy when grown
Modulation in all things.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 gives you the whole house.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Men play the game. Women know the score.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.
Math and Alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink & derive.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Manuals come out, after all possible keystrokes fail.
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!!!!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
LSD: A cheaper version of virtual reality!
Love all, trust... me
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Looks are so deceptive that people should be done up like food packages with the ingredients clearly labled.
Look for the hero within yourself.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
LOGIC: a set of rules to explain what we don't understand
Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it.
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Life is the way it is...not the way it oughta be.
Life is like a simile.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
LET'S FACE THE OBVIOUS. Yesterday we were nerds. Today we're the cognitive elite. Let's conquer.
Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one
Leakproof thermoses - will.
Leaders go down in history -- some farther down than others
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!"
Knowledge is power - if you know it about the right person.
Know what to expect before you connect.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an ass.
I've worked myself up from nothing into a state of extreme poverty.
I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life. Well... unless I want to buy something.
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
It's past time to go when you start asking yourself if it's time to go.
It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
It's not a bug, it's a feature.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
It's always darkest before...daylight savings time.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
it's 12:24 am. do you know where *YOU* are?
It works better when you turn the brightness up.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it's how he found out
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is a terrible thing to lose one's mind.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put thier hair
Inside every tuxedo there's a guy in a T-shirt wanting to get out.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Include me out.
In years gone by people actually believed that foolish spending stopped when one ran out of money.
In two words: impossible.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
In God we trust, all others pay cash.
In dog years, I'm dead.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better.
In a mad world only the mad are sane.
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations.
I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?
I'm out of bed & dressed. What more do you want?
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
I'll give you a definite maybe.
Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat. (Yeah, where *do* I want to go today??)
If you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good?
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you think there is good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?
If you see someone without a smile, give em yours.
If you see any misspelled words it HAS to be line noise.
If you like peace and quiet get a phoneless cord.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If we're not to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
if u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If silence is golden, not many people can be arrested for hoarding.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with Quit while you're ahead?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
If Mary can write 35 words a minute by hand....... how fast could she write if she used a pencil?
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
If God didn't love procrastinators, why did He invent tomorrow?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
I'd rather hit with a 9mm than miss with a .45!
I'd rather be crazy than stupid.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. -- Penny Ward Moser
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I woke up the other morning with a real desire to exercise -- So I stayed in bed till the desire went away.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I walk everywhere for my health -- but I never find it.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
I think I'm a clone now, and every pair of genes is a hand-me-down...
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
I slit my throat on the cutting edge of technology!
I set off EVERY stud detector in the hardware store!
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I may not jog or workout -- but I'm a very brisk eater.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
'I know' is just 'I Believe' with delusions of grandeur
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just found the last bug.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I idiot-proof my programs, but along comes a better idiot!
I hope flies don't go to heaven when they die. Too many of em.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have a dream... DIR C: 1,987,999,937,498,127 bytes free.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I don't suppose it's going to rain? - Joan of Arc
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I do not suggest that you should not have an open mind ... but don't keep your mind so open that your brains fall out.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I am at one with my duality.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am a figment of my imagination.
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I always use the goodest English.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How complicated can it be? A loop's a loop isn't it?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say Honk if ...
Home is where you hang your @
Hit any user to continue.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Hi ho, hi ho, it's off on a tangient I go.
Hey, my Goldfish looks just like yours!
Hey Rocky, watch me pull a tagline out of my hat!
Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer. It's called a clothes line
Here Mousie! I only want to be your friend.: CAT
Helpful Hint...Liquid Paper does not well work in laser printers.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who dies with the most toys, is nonetheless, still dead.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
He couldn't find a cup of water if you dropped him in a lake.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tatoos
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now .
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
GUI ("gooey")  - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Great groups from little icons grow.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Got to go: the dinner's fighting, and the kids are burning.
Gossip is just news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress.
Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
God made all men, Sam Colt made 'em equal.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
Goalie for the dart team.
GNU PROGRAMMERS do it for free and they don't give a damn about look & feel
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Giant Space Hamsters offer a veritable plethora of wonders.
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
Functionality is irrelevant...its compatible!
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
From C:\. to shining C:\.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired
Forget about Karma... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
For every judge operating in an official capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Flashlight: a storage case for dead batteries.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
FIDO lie #10 Internet/UUCP gateways work.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down!
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS
Fatal Error: You're dead.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog.
Famous last words: We won't need reservations.
Famous last words: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
Famous last words: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
Famous last words: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
Falls don't kill people. It's the deceleration trauma.
Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Experience - a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except people who have them.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Every teen-ager should get a high school education -- even if they already know everything
Every morning is the dawn of a new error..
Every election, Mickey Mouse looks better and better as President.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if is didnt zigzag??
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark!
Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Earthly life is short -- aim carefully.
Earth to Blow up at 10...Details on the 11 o'clock News!
Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
Early to bed, Early to rise, Till you make enough money To do otherwise!
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
E pluribus septum. (Multiple nose piercings.)
E Pluribus Modem.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Double your money! Fold over once and put it in your pocket.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Don't ya just hate,it when there's not enough room to fin
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
Don't put all your hypes in one homepage.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do unto others, then run.....................
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Diskette - Female Disco dancer
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie'... while you look for a rock.
Diplomacy is saying nice doggy until you find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Dinosaurs eat men. Women inherit the earth. -- Ellie Sattler
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Dijon vu -- the feeling you have eaten this mustard before.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
Difference between a house and a home--a family.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Did you know one seventh of your life is spent on Mondays?
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Department of Redundancy Department
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Define the universe and give three examples.
DDT: Debug Program
Data bytes (or maybe he just nibbles....)
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Convert your 386/486 into a Game Boy.. run Windows 3.1!
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conscience gets alot of credit that belongs to cold feet.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
Confucius say..."User who believe in cyberspace need reality check."
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computers are only human.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
Cocaine is Gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, NOT chemistry.
Clones are people two.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Censorship: The reaction of the ignorant to freedom.
Celebrate Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga. (Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
C:\COFFEE.POT missing: (A)bort, (R)etry, (E)nter message?
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
C:\>Bad command or file; Go stand in the corner.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cusin Jethro
By the time you can make ends meet, they change the ends.
Buy a Pentium II so you can reboot faster.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
Buffet: A French word that means Get up and get it yourself.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
Bother, said Pooh, as Windows swapped out again.
Bother, said Pooh as he reached for the reset button.
BORE: One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you.
Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the TV repairman.
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Beware of geeks bearing GIFs!
Betty Crocker is a flour child.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beta-testing where no one has beta-tested before!
Best file compression around: DEL . = 100% compression
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step --
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Beam me up Scotty! This thing just ate my phaser!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it.
Be different, act normal.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
Be a fountain, not a drain.
BASIC Lives....
Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Bad Cop! No donut!
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Backing Up Drive C:...<beep>...<beep>...<beep>...<beep>..
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Attic: A place for storing things until it's respectable to throw them out.
Athletic young 486 seeks hot Pentium that likes 8" floppies.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Assumption is the mother of all screwups
Assassins do it from behind.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
As you shall make your bed so shall you...mess it up.
As long as schools have tests, there will be prayer
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
As for money buying happiness, do you really think the guy with 250 million is any happier than a guy with only 200 million?
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Arkansas figured out a way to get rid of Bill Clinton...
ARGUEMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Are you sure you didn't type FORMAT?!?!?!
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
Anyone can be an underdog; the trick is to be a registered, pedigreed underdog.
Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Any precept you cannot challenge must be viewed with the deepest of suspicion
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Another bright, sunny day! (Above 40,000 feet)
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.
And Godzilla gets a full point for throwing Barney into Tokyo Harbor!
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always remember that everyone deserves a second chance but nobody deserves a third.
Always forgive your enemies. They hate that!
Always drink upstream from the herd.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All the lies they tell about me are true.
All other things being equal, big people use more soap.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.
AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Ahh! Come on George, just this one last little feature!
Ah, an open mind. The essense of intelect. - Garek
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anybody can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Access Denied - nah nah na nah nah na!
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
A witty saying proves nothing.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A viola's range? 30 feet if kicked hard enough.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell
A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
A politician is a person who divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
A person all wrapped up in himself generally makes a pretty small package.
A penny saved is... not much.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one
A new poll showed that if the election was held today, people would be confused because it's usually held in November.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
A man who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
A hug warms the soul and places a smile in the heart.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
A good scare is better than good advice.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
A good memory is one trained to forget the trivial.
A good man gone wrong is usually a bad man found out.
A good angle to approach any problem is the try-angle.
A goal is a dream with a deadline.
A gentleman can disagree without being disagreeable.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A four year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A feature is a bug with seniority.
A farmer is always going to make it rich the next year.
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
A diploma proves only that you know how to find an answer.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A clear conscience is most often a sign of a bad memory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A choice is always possible, even without any options.
A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved
A chat has nine lives.
A celebrity is a person who is known for well-knownness.
A cannibal only opens his mouth to change your feet.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
A brilliant smile will get you fan mail from lighthouses.
A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
A bad peace is even worse than a war.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
50% of men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
24 hours in a day...24 cokes in a case...coincidence?
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
<-----------The Information went data way ------------
<sniffle< I've got a code in my node..
..now touch these wires to your tongue!
(c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
"Have a nice day!" "No thank you. I have other plans."
