Windows Tips and Tricks...

Starring...

Jodie Foster as Special Agent Diane Poremsky, FBI

Anthony Hopkins as Roy "Hannibal" Lehrer

"Whereof we cannot speak, thereof we must remain silent" - Ludwig Wittgenstein

Act I, Scene 1. [A maximum security prison cell block]

DP: Dr. Lehrer, my name is Diane Poremsky. I'm with the FBI Behavioral Science Unit. May I talk with you?

HL: Certainly, my dear. What would you like to know?

DP: Actually, I've put some questions in the form of an Access database embedded in a Word 2K file. If you'll just fill in the blanks it will automatically send itself as an attachment to my Washington office.

HL: So you think you can figure me out...you think I'm some kind of cross-linked file you can fix with your Scandisk and your Norton Disk Doctor, is that it Agent Poremsky?

DP: It's just a simple questionnaire.

HL: Someone once sent me a questionnaire in e-mail. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti...he sent me no attachments after that.

DP: I've read about that case. They call it...

HL: The Silence of the Spammers.

DP: So you admit that you're a serial killer?

HL: Why should I kill serially when it's so much more efficient to kill in parallel? So many more bites per second you know.

DP: About the questionnaire...

HL: Poremsky, is that Russian, or perhaps Polish?

DP: Well, in fact...

HL: I ate a Polish ham once. His call sign was SP9EIJ. I baked his shoulder with a honey mustard sauce and a couple of russet potatoes...

DP: I believe I have a file on that...

HL: The Silence of the Hams.

DP: Dr. Lehrer, is that a computer in your cell?

HL: Do you like it? I carved the motherboard myself from a prison bed frame.

DP: Have you always built your own computers?

HL: Well, I did buy a Dell once. They sent a nice young man out to fix it. I told him not to put his hand near the power supply.

DP: He wasn't grounded?

HL: He wasn't grounded but he was ground. I ate his pancreas with special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame seed bun.

DP: And the computer?

HL: It smelled like burnt toast for a week. And it kept failing the system memory check.

DP: Oh, no, not...

HL: Yes, Diane...

DP: Please don't say it...

HL: The Silence of the RAM.

DP: <sigh>. Well, Dr. Lehrer, I can see that you are in no mood to cooperate. Perhaps we'll continue this interview another time.

HL: Au revoir Diane. See you on the Internet.

by Jim Fadden <who's going to be on review _forever_>

Posted to Windows 98 Give-And-Take List on June 30, 2000